As the universe has bestowed upon us the glory that is a gender-swapped Splash, I feel like this is a perfect time to bring to Hollywood’s attention a few other ideas I have about movie remakes. (Warning: contains liberal use of Channing Tatum.)
Point Break (1991)
An FBI agent goes undercover to catch a gang of surfers who may be bank robbers.
Jenny Utah (Tessa Thompson) is a rookie FBI agent out to prove her mettle. She tracks down the mysterious Bodhi (Sarah Silverman), leader of a gang of surfers suspected in a string of recent robberies. (The robbers wear Donald Trump masks.) She fakes drowning and Tyler (Channing Tatum) rescues her, and Jenny convinces Tyler to teach her how to surf, thereby gaining introduction to Bodhi. Bodhi recognizes Jenny from her competitive cheerleading days and welcomes her into their gang.
Weird Science (1985)
Two high school nerds attempt to create the perfect man, but he turns out to be more than that.
Social outcasts Ginny Wallace (Amandla Stenberg) and Wendy Donnelly (Maisie Williams) have had enough, after being taunted by their school’s resident mean girls over their lack of boy-savvy. Using a beta version of an RPG character-buildling program Ginny has been working on in secret and Wendy’s prize-winning robot from the science fair, they decide to build their own version of the perfect man. A power surge turns their project from a metal man into Lucas (Colton Haynes), an unstoppable hunk with strange powers and a plan to make them cool. HIJINKS ENSUE.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
A high school wise girl is determined to have a day off from school, despite her principal’s best efforts to bust her.
Farrah Bueller (Yara Shahidi) fakes sick because she literally is just too cool for school. Her brother Johnny (Marcus Scribner) cannot stand these shenanigans, to be quite honest. Her best friend Cameron Frye (Taissa Farmiga) helps with the scheme, despite her misgivings, and Farrah, Cameron, and Farrah’s boyfriend Sloan (Karan Brar) jaunt off for a string of increasingly wild adventures around Chicago. Principal Rooney (Kate Mulgrew) resorts to increasingly desperate measures to catch them in the act.
Joe Versus The Volcano (1990)
When a hypochondriac learns that she is dying, she accepts an offer to throw herself into a volcano on a tropical island, and along the way there, learns to truly live.
Jane Banks (Anna Kendrick) is a downtrodden everywoman, stuck in a clerical job at a factory in Staten Island for an awful boss (Glenn Close). She’s seen doctor after doctor and none can determine what’s wrong with her, until she’s finally diagnosed with a “brain cloud” which will kill her in six months. Figuring “why the hell not”, she quits her job, asks out her shy coworker (Christopher Larkin) who gets understandably freaked out by her death sentence, and then takes an industrialist up on an offer to throw herself in a volcano as part of a business deal. On her travels, she encounters a series of brothers (all Christopher Larkin), and learns that you really, truly, shouldn’t ever throw yourself in a volcano on anyone else’s account.
Mannequin (1987)
A young artist, searching for her vocation, makes a mannequin so perfect she falls in love with it. Finding the mannequin in a store window, she gets a job there and her creation comes to life.
Facing certain death in the midst of a raid in ancient Norway, Edvin (Channing Tatum) prays to his gods for a second chance and disappears. In present-day Philadelphia, struggling artist Joanna Switcher (Ilana Glazer) assembles a truly perfect mannequin (also Channing Tatum) as part of a series of odd jobs. She sees the mannequin in a department store, talks her way into a job as a stock clerk, and THEN THE MANNEQUIN COMES TO LIFE AND ALSO CORPORATE ESPIONAGE ENSUES (seriously, this movie is insane, how did it even get made?!). But don’t worry, everything works out in the end.
You’re welcome, Hollywood. You’re welcome.
Jenn Northington is still waiting for her magical powers to manifest, is the Director of Events and Programming for Riot New Media, and comes from a long line of nerds.
